To My Children: October Flash Backs

Dear Caden and Addison,

Three Octobers ago, we were fifteen months into our journey to have you, and our spirits were weary.  Everything we had ever thought about having kids was turning out not to be.  And it seemed that the mountain we were being told we had to climb to get you kept moving.  We had no map.  But we knew our destination.  And so we climbed.  Choosing, sometimes moment by moment, to move forward.  Reinventing our plans and charting new paths as we went.   There isn't much of a record of that time, only many memories of hardship, followed by one miraculous picture...

The picture that confirmed you were more than a dream in our hearts.  The picture that overjoyed us with your double blessing.  The picture that made everything that came before it wash away.

Two Octobers ago, you had joined our family.  And we were weary in a whole new way.  A wonderful way!  We traded the trials of a year before for sleepless nights, endless feedings, dirty diapers and a permanent burp cloth on one shoulder.  Never once did we wonder whether every pain, cost, and trial had been worth it a thousand times over.  The promise of you was worth it all.  The reality of you was beyond anything we could have ever dreamed.

One October ago you were already starting to be a little less "baby" and a little more "toddler".  And we rearranged our lives again, like we had already done so many times before for you.  Our furniture arrangement left alot to be desired, but you were safe.  The kitchen floor was always dirty, but you were happy scooping and spilling things all over the place.  My nerves were shot, but you were thrilled to be running, climbing and getting into things faster than I ever could have predicted.  Yes,  true toddlerhood was just around the corner and all things baby were beginning to slip away.  And in their place would come a whole new host of things to love about you.

This October I find it hard to believe that I am the mother of two and half year olds.  And some days I wonder if I will ever survive this ordeal of mothering twin toddlers!  You are energy in motion.  More independent and less compliant.  Full of new words and ideas, and completely confident in yourself.  Unaware of danger.  Always testing the waters (and my patience).  You challenge me, delight me, confound me, and endear yourselves to me, every single day.  

You are so much more than I expected or could have dreamed for myself.  And I am trying very hard to be everything that you need.  Which is difficult, because all that we went through to meet you...  that was nothing compared to all that is required to love you well.  But sweet babies, you are worth it.  You are worth everything.  And more.  

I love you Pumpkin-roos,

Mommy